School, Jesus. I hate talking about my grades, because while most of my friends are already graduated or on the Dean's List, I am struggling, badly. Although I do have several A's and B's on my transcript, I also have many much lower than that. My mistake was not believing that I was smart enough in the beginning, so I didn't try as hard so that when I failed, it wouldn't hurt as bad. Ever since, I haven't really had the confidence that I could carry my GPA up to a 3.anything. Now I am 4 years in and most of my friends are graduating, while I still have years to go. One thing I know though is no matter how long it takes or even if I don't get a degree, God will do some AMAZING things through me.
Home, I probably shouldn't go into much detail about that here, but I will just say that everyone thinks that I value my friends over my blood because I am never home. I am an active person. I like to go out, be out, do things outside of my house. I think they confuse that with "I don't want to be around you". I will have my family until death, but my 20's will only happen during this period of my life, and I want to enjoy it. I don't party, smoke, drink, screw around, etc, but I do like to go out with my friends A LOT. We have a strong bond, but perhaps I can balance my home and outer life better, even if it means not doing much of anything at home. Love means sacrifices.
Weight, something I need to lose. All of my life, I was very fit and healthy, because I was in martial arts. WTSDA to be exact. I never realized how fit I was because it was a lifestyle for me, and it was all I knew. Once I quit, I began to eat instead of punch B.O.B. (a punching body type bag named bob that martial artists use). Last summer was when I gained so much weight that I am now ashamed of my body. During last summer, it was living on my own out of state for the first time, being in a really bad environment with evil, broken people, having my grandfather die of stage 4 lung cancer and remembering the last time I talked to him on the phone I rushed him off because I was tired from work, finding out this news via Facebook, trying to finish up writing the happy section of my poetry book a midst this news, trying to stay happy even though 40 publishers denied my book for various reasons, and living with two alcoholics and sex addicts that caused me to eat my way to 31 pounds. At the time, writing poetry was not therapeutic, but stressful for me as I was trying to finish up my book. In the loser town I was in, the only thing I could do to cope was eat. I gained almost 40 damn pounds in one summer! It is still a struggle to get that weight back off. I lost 15 pounds, but gained it all back. Now I am at the biggest I have ever been and with people constantly reminding me of my new weight number and calling me fatso, it has caused my confidence to go to the toilet.
Love, thankfully I know of my savior's love. His love is the only true love. But I struggle with wanting more, selfish, I know. It is apart of our make up to be desired by a significant other. That is something that hasn't happened for me yet, unless you count a stalker, (straight up =( ) or a 40 something year old man when you're 17. I have liked good men. that for whatever reason don't see in me what I see in them. At this point in my life, even though I'm only 21, I don't see a point in being with someone, unless marriage is the end result, or at least the intention. I didn't get to hold the boy's hand in 1st grade that I thought was cute. I never got to pass a note saying "check yes or no in the box" in the 6th grade. I never will be able to, and sooner or later, (actually later) I want children, and I don't want a dead beat baby daddy as their father. So when I develop feelings for someone, which isn't very often, I have them so strongly that I could see myself marrying that person. That has only happened twice with me. But imagine how heartbreaking it would feel to see yourself with someone forever, and they don't feel the same way. That has happened to me twice. It has triggered so many of my poems, and caused a deep emptiness in me since the age of 16, when I first got rejected by a crush whom I only liked because he told me I was a beautiful person on the inside. Perhaps it's my own fault that I get heartbroken, because maybe I shouldn't see myself marrying someone, but my dad was never around to teach me how to love a man. When I was younger, I thought that my dad didn't stick around because he didn't love me. So I computed in my head, that if my own dad didn't love me, then no other guy would either, and therefore I wasn't worthy of love. It is something I still struggle with to this day.
Self, is a never ending list of things I personally need to work on. I swear, complain, and am pessimistic about a lot of things, all of which I have tried to change. I have addictions,. idols, personality flaws, setbacks, and other issues that I need to work out within myself. Not being the person that you want to be really sucks. When I look around at other people who are seemingly doing well, and have confidence while I lack it, it makes me feel dark and empty sometimes. I know I shouldn't do that, but it's human nature to sometimes. It's really easy to do when you aren't where you want to be in life however, it can change.
In my last post, I talked a little bit about Chapter Focus Week, which is a nice Christian retreat for college students of all faiths, or lack thereof. While I was there with my InterVarsity chapter, and in my Refine Reality track, we learned about 8 steps to change. They are...
- Establish and urgency (why do you need to change)
- Gather community for change (who do you know that can relate or wants to change too?)
- Develop a vision for change (because if you fail to plan, you plan to fail!)
- Communicate change (have someone hold you accountable!)
- Empower people to act (You know they want to change too!)
- Create and celebrate short term goals (Reward your progress!)
- Produce MORE CHANGE (have a domino effect on other areas!)
- MAKE IT STICK! (don't let it be a phase, make it a permanent lifestyle choice!)
*The above 8 step plan is not my original plan, I am not taking credit for it, neither is InterVarsity.
HOW TO MOTIVATE YOURSELF TO ACTUALLY CHANGE!
One tip that I have that may really have a huge impact on the amount of effort that you put into doing well in your change process, is making sure you do NOT skip step six, but rather focus on it! I am choosing rewards that I want REALLY BAD! I mean something that is a huge treat to myself, and that way, I will be more likely to work hard to obtain them! I even made a pin board of my rewards so that I don't lose sight on what I want. check it out here! Also, I recommend putting your goals up somewhere you can actually SEE them everyday! I got a plain cork board, and I painted it pink and added silver glitter stripes and made it a chevron style board! It's not perfect, but it's very pretty to me, and I will definitely look at it everyday! I am going to pin up my goals on the board, as well as the rewards so everyday I can see what I am working so hard for!
So, this is what I plan on doing, changing! Realizing you have a problem is a good thing, because that's one of the hardest concepts for a lot of people! However, once you see that you have a problem, you need not be comfortable in it, but change it! That is what I am spending this summer doing, making changes. As my friend Harvey would say, if you read this far, you deserve a cookie! If you did read this far seriously, I would love it if you pray for me to change. I will be doing the same for you. It's never to late, and it may be hard, but it will be worth it. Make the change you need to to become the person you want to be. The only thing stopping you is truly you.
Love,
Natasha
p.s. You'll
never know unless you pursue
My dear sweet friend, the things you can doYou can light up a room, like a star in the sky
But you must spread your wings before you can fly
*A copyrighted stanza from the poem "You'll Never Know" from my book The Colors of Life: A Collection of Poems
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